Re: [NetEpic ML] [OT...?] Warning! Chaos invasion approaching!!!

From: <eivind.borgeteien_at_...>
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 2002 11:16:48 +0100

haha!

This one was very good!!
:-)
Eivind
>
> Fra: "AntiChrist <seimejote_at_...>" <seimejote@...>
> Dato: 2002/12/17 Tue PM 10:45:30 CET
> Til: netepic_at_yahoogroups.com
> Emne: [NetEpic ML] [OT...?] Warning! Chaos invasion approaching!!!
>
> Found on the web... =)
>
> *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
>
> Begin Transmission
>
> Repetition of General Directive 264-A-XCIV
>
> To: Distribution, Sectorium Primus
> From: Office of The Grand Inquisitor, Ebineezar Grinchanius
> Re: Yearly Chaos Incursion
>
> This purpose of this notice is to remind the forgetful of the annual
> visitation by the minion of Chaos known to the unworthy as Santa
> Claus.
>
> +++ The Emperor's Light Banishes the Shadows of Heresy +++
>
> As the diligent will recall, the incursion occurs regularly every
> 8742
> to 8766 terran hours, roughly corresponding to a terran year. This
> trespass has occurred with disturbing regularity since at least the
> Horus
> Heresy, and perhaps longer, as many records were misplaced.
>
> +++ Love and Obey the Emperor +++
>
> The faithful will recognize the target on sight, as his garb and gear
> mark him immediately as an agent of the abominations.
>
> Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature approximating the human
> form. It wears a crimson tunic the color of fresh blood, marking him
> as a
> possible follower of Khorne. It is bearded, mocking the honorable
> squats, and its hair is a sallow shade of gray, betraying its
> unnatural age.
> Be advised that despite the creatures fearsome name, no claws have
> been
> observed, and the former is likely a ruse.
>
> The target has been observed in the company of smaller creatures
> having
> the appearance of thin (less than 30 kg, approx.), stunted (1.5
> meters)
> humanoids with pointed ears. Their appearance suggests the
> involvement
> of the decadent Eldar, and although that race denies involvement
> (*reference the Rudolphian Campaign [index 4111-BGE-MMXCII-Primus],
> specifically the Battle of Yukon Coneliaus IV [ibid., index 6]*),
> agents are
> advised to be prepared for their involvement, as the Eldar are known
> for
> their deceitful ways.
>
> Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled powered by unnatural
> livestock as detailed below.
>
> The target's vehicle is a grav-sled. It has superfluous runners which
> are used only on landing and take-off. Despite the appearance, no
> frozen
> water is necessary for its operation (another ruse). The vehicle's
> resemblance to the foul Palanquin of Nurgle should not be discounted,
> even
> though the colors continue to be reminiscent of Khorne.
>
> The device is powered by the unholy ministrations of eight or nine
> quadrupeds. Ordo Malleus scholars have identified these creatures as
> warped
> versions of an extinct species of terran mammal known as a Moose
> (reference 900002-ER-CIV). These beings single-mindedly pull the
> target's
> vehicle during its yearly invasion. They are outfitted with belled
> harnesses which are apparently imbued with the ability of flight.
> These beasts
> have been likened to the Fiends of Slaanesh, and such a comparison
> should not be dismissed too lightly, as the creatures shed a luminous
> substance as effluent as they move. Inquisitors should take care to
> avoid
> exposure.
>
> Perhaps more disturbing is the variable number of the minion-
> creatures.
> On occasion, a ninth Moose has been observed, placed before the other
> Mooses. This creature radiates a sickly reddish glow from its snout,
> as
> a psychic beacon to other followers of the Vile Ones. This Chaotic
> device has allowed the target to navigate despite our best efforts to
> jam
> its navigation systems.
>
> +++ Blessed is the Virtue of Blind Faith +++
>
> Santa Claus gains entry to the domiciles of loyal Imperial Citizens
> (see
> below) and leaves small Chaos Rewards to tempt the faithful.
>
> Inquisitors are reminded to confiscate and incinerate these items
> before any lasting damage is done. As a localized temporal distortion
> field
> is in effect around the target, these items are secreted in the
> habitations of the Imperium at exactly 2400 hours in every location
> defiled by
> the creature. It is therefore possible to gain entry to the citizens'
> cretches and remove the items (often cunningly hidden in footwear)
> before the citizens are aware of the heresy that has been committed
> upon
> them.
>
> In other cases, removal of the items after the citizens have
> discovered
> them is possible. In such situations, small children are occasionally
> loath to surrender the items, as the tainting of the juveniles has
> already begun. Executions of the above are to be handled in the most
> expedient manner possible.
>
> Often, juveniles that are well within the Emperor's Grace are given
> small blocks of graphite ore rather than the more tempting gifts
> visited
> upon the less faithful. The identity of these individuals are to be
> recorded, as future recruitment into the Inquisition or Adeptus Terra
> is
> possible. [Note: Inquisitors or other agents who do *not* receive the
> graphite stones should be watched carefully]
>
> Santa Claus enters the domiciles be way of heating ducts and waste
> vents. The size of the opening is not a factor, as the creature can
> adjust
> its mass and displacement by means of psychic manipulation. Mining
> these openings with frag, krak and other demolitions has proven
> unsuccessful.
>
> The creature egresses by the same means, after ritually caressing his
> nostrils. No mucus has ever been recovered.
>
> +++ The Death of Emperor's Enemies is the Only Gift We Can Give +++
>
> Although all previous attempts at the destruction of Santa Claus have
> failed, Inquisitors are urged to make such an attempt whenever
> possible.
>
> However, of more importance is the suppression of cultist activity
> associated with the yearly incursion. The Tainted have been known to
> erect
> shrines in their homes in the form of shrubbery adorned with baubles
> and lights [Note: the shrubbery is often highly inflammable, and
> offers a
> discrete method of executing the offending heretics without calling
> undue attention to the operation]. Other warning signs include:
> hallucinations involving sugared candies during slumber; excessive
> singing;
> references to 'A magical time of year' (note the influence of
> Tzeentch); the
> construction of effigies made of snow; and the performance of
> Slaanishi
> rituals while underneath plant clippings of the genus _phoradendron
> flavescens_.
>
> Once again, executions should be handled in an expedient manner.
>
> End Transmission.....
>
> *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
>
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Received on Wed Dec 18 2002 - 10:16:48 UTC