SInce we all play military simulation games heres a bit of hum,our to make
the wars a bit lighter
War Jokes
Humor Space Site Index -------------------------- Humor Archive What's New
Site Search Humor Spotlight Humor Category Index Humor Subject Index What's
Hot -------------------------- Humor Store Game Chair Jolly E-Card Humor
Mailing List -------------------------- Site Information Disclaimer Guest
Book Web Links & Rings
Submitted by: Written by: Posted by: Last Updated:
Last Updated: 06/05/98
Q. What is the difference between officers and God?
A. God doesn't think he's and officer.
Q. What three words do Navy wives hate hearing after having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why are Marines on board ships?
A. Because sheep would be too obvious!
Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
A. Platoon
Q. Why shouldn't Marines have breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. How do you trap a marine?
A. Wait till he is getting a drink of water, then slam the toilet seat on
his head.
Q. How do you knock out a marine?
A. Throw sand against a brick wall and say hit the beach.
Q. Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?
A. So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!
Q. What do they call the flap on a Sailor's trousers?
A. A marine bib!
Q. How do you seperate the men from the boys in the navy?
A. With a crowbar.
Q. What do smart Marines and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them but you never see them.
Q. What sound does shit make when it hits a fan?
A. MARINE!
Q. Did you guys here about the new military uniforms?
A. There's a zipper in the front, and a zipper in the back.
If you think old soldiers fade away, you should watch one trying to get into
an old uniform.
The navy is what you join to see the world...and then spend two years in a
submarine.
The Air Force is the smartest service because they send their officers off
to fight and let the enlisted guys stay back in the rear!
A Marine and a Soldier were walking outside when the Soldier said, "Look at
the dead bird." The Marine looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
A Marine goes to the medic and as he touches each part of his body with his
finger he says, "doc it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my
neck hurts, and even my head hurts! Doc what's wrong?"
A newly minted Marine Corporal lands in the Nam in early '67, and before his
gear is stowed, the platoon Sgt. informs him he's assigned to a
search-and-destroy patrol that night...they're going out hunting Viet Cong.
The young Texan thinks for a minute, then asks "works for me, sarge, but
before I get in trouble, what's the bag limit?"
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of
tracks. The first Marine said "those are deer tracks." The second Marine
said "No, those are elk tracks." The third Marine said "You're both wrong,
those are moose tracks." The Marines were still arguing when the train hit
them.
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor
asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked
when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'
While stationed in Washington, D.C., This man used Arlington National
Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer. To his
surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP
approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"
Unsure of what to say, he replied," Not yet." The MP held back a smile and
waved him on.
The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for
awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer
of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being
asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another
moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-amen!"
Ah Seng, a recruit, was a bit of a loner.He took to drinking heavily
whenever he booked out for the weekend. One weekend, he returned so drunk
that he was told to see the Commanding Officer immediately. "Look Ah Seng,
why don't you shape up?" said the CO,who was something of a softie."There is
a real future for you here if you sober up.You could become a corporal, or
even a sergeant!Isn't that something to look forward to?" Ah Seng
replied,"Well, Sir,to tell you the truth,that's really not good enough for
me because after a few glasses of Tiger,I feel like a colonel!"
A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor,
during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski,
your mother died last night."
A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner, "Don't
bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down last night and
killed your entire family."
Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in
Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more
sensitive to the men.
So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother, he
decided to try another ploy. "Okay, men. Everyone whose grandmother is still
alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Lazinsky....."
The first sergeant was holding a class on combat for his company. He said,
"LaHaye, what would you do if you saw 700 enemy soldiers coming at you?"
LaHaye said, "I would shoot them all with my rifle."
The sergeant asked, "On the right you see 400 enemy soldiers charging at
you. What would you do?
LaHaye said, "I would shoot them with my rifle."
The sergeant continued, "Okay! On your left, LaHaye, you notice 1,000 enemy
soldiers heading straight at you. What would you do?"
LaHaye answered again, "I would shoot them all with my rifle."
The sergeant yelled, "Just a minute, LaHaye. Where are you getting all those
bullets?"
The soldier smiled and said, "The same place you're getting all those enemy
soldiers."
Some enlisted men were having trouble getting past the guard at the train
station. He said that he couldn't allow anyone through without a ticket.
Anyone! An officer came along. The guard explained, "Look, I like GIs. I
mean, they're protecting us, but I have orders. They're trying to get on
without a ticket."
The officer said, "Let me take care of this." Turning to the men, he barked,
"Attention! Now forward march!"
Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the
train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying,
"You're terrific, sir. You're a great guy."
The officer said, "That's all right. I didn't have a ticket either!"
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be
the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote:
The first mate was drunk today.
He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain
argued that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be
deleted. The first mate decided to get even.
The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he
wrote:
The captain was sober today.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both
just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some
aftershave to slap on their faces.
The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse!"
The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a
collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather
together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air
Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each
other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a
certain building, and asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of
steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next
morning.
The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied
The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass
The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axes
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks
The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy
An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around
discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are more braver. The
Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, " My
SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the
impossiple" as he raeches for the phone.
Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls
for his best soldier.
When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states "Since it was
my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says " I want you to go down
that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up
that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course.".
The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned runnig towards
the cliff. After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam
across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands)
and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he
grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean
birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off
sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the
Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says "that wasn't nothing",and turning to the Force Recon
Marine he says " I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters,
climb that other cliff,then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and
bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle." And
with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming
across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon
reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions,
tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds).Finally reaching the General, the
Marine hands him the eggs.
The Army General then says" Very nice gentlemen, but heres true bravery" and
turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says " I want you to
go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of
unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest
on the other side". The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff,
and again back to the General, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a
proper hand salute and walks away. The Genertal turn towards the other two
(both with their jaws on the table) and says" Now gentlemen, thats
BRAVERY....
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in
the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three
soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the
General's office.
"Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any
medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were
appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on
your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance
between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip
of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your
balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Lord Nelson was on his way out to sea when he was approached by a pirate
ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the Lord Nelson, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and
bring me my red shirt."
The first mate did so, and, wearing his bright red shirt, the Lord Nelson
exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate
ship was repelled without casualties.
The next day, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties.
That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the
Lord Nelson the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the
crew continues to fight without fear."
More days passed, and they were nearing the Spanish coast, when suddenly the
lookout cried that ten ships of the Spanish Armada were approaching!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The
first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the
Lord Nelson commanded,
"FIRST MATE.... BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!"
_________________________________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at
http://www.hotmail.com.
Received on Mon Jan 22 2001 - 08:51:34 UTC