Hi!
Its rather quiet now so I take the opportunity to share a little humorous
something with you all from the 40K list.
eivind
----- Original Message -----
From: "The Fishwicks" <fishies_plaice_at_...>
To: "40Klist" <40Klist_at_yahoogroups.com>
Sent: Monday, March 26, 2001 11:59 PM
Subject: [40Klist] Fw: The List for Aspiring Evil Overlords
> What all good chaos cult leaders should know...
>
> >Attention all Evil Overlord List Aspirants:
> >Contrary to popular belief, taking over the universe is not as easy as it
> would first appear.
> >
> >
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------
> >
> > Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
> there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every
> Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
> overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether
> they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
> invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
> time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
> >
> >
> > The Top 100 Things I'd Do
> > If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
> > 1.. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors,
> not face-concealing ones.
> > 2.. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
> > 3.. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
> kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
> > d.. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
> > e.. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the
> Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
> Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object
> which is my one weakness.
> > f.. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them
> > g.. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
kill
> me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and
> shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
> > h.. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
> immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
> weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
> > i.. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
> necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
> "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will
instead
> trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
> Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
> > j.. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
> hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
> > k.. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
> to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
> enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
> > l.. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws
> in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
> > m.. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds
> of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
> cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
> celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
> > n.. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
> other form of last request.
> > o.. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
> that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when
> the counter reaches 15 minutes and the hero is just putting his plan into
> operation.
> > p.. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just
> one thing I want to know."
> > q.. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
> their advice.
> > r.. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt
> to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at
a
> crucial point in time.
> > s.. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
> evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
own
> father.
> > t.. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
> maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
> developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
> > u.. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms
> for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them
> look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes.
> All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive
> mind-set.
> > v.. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
> will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
> > w.. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops
> in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
> generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my
> troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
> rocks.
> > x.. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
> weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least
> I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After
> that, death is usually instantaneous.)
> > y.. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort
> of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
> virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
> > z.. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there
> is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
> Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
> bedchamber.
> > aa.. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
> systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
same
> reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
> > ab.. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
> escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
> > ac.. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
> into confusion.
> > ad.. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
> cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes
will
> surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic
> relief.
> > ae.. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
> surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
> and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
> > af.. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
> news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to
> come by.
> > ag.. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
> wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
> dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
> reserved for formal occasions.
> > ah.. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
> > ai.. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
> diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
> Generation X.
> > aj.. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
> block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will
keep
> the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies
to
> every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
> > ak.. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
a
> battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
> > al.. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
> anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
> waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in
my
> old age.
> > am.. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at
> the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
> number among his army.
> > an.. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable
> superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
> keeping it in reserve.
> > ao.. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
time-travel
> devices.
> > ap.. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
> monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
> untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
> > aq.. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
> beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks
> and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
> > ar.. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
> work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the
odds
> to give the other guy a sporting chance.
> > as.. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible
> for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not
> draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure,"
> then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
> > at.. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
one
> man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
> > au.. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
> will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him
to
> mature.
> > av.. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
technology
> with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
> immediately come after me for revenge.
> > aw.. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
> me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send
them
> out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
> > ax.. My main computers will have their own special operating system
that
> will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
powerbooks.
> > ay.. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
> conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him
> to a less people-oriented position.
> > az.. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
> examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels
> that I might not know about.
> > ba.. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
> you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
> > bb.. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
> double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
> > bc.. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
place
> in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert
> missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is
anyone
> else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
> > bd.. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
who
> cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target
> practice.
> > be.. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
> carefully read the owner's manual.
> > bf.. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
> dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
> > bg.. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
> > bh.. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
> code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it
> will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
> > bi.. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
> scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
> > bj.. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
> structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
> > bk.. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.
And
> they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through
> accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
> > bl.. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all
extremely
> unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
> disadvantage.
> > bm.. If I must have computer systems with publically available
> terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly
> marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber.
> The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow
Containment.
> > bn.. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
> who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
> fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
> will trigger the alarm system.
> > bo.. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will
be
> instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale
> emergency.
> > bp.. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
> is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
> good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better
save
> my life again.
> > bq.. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
> delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
> foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the
> wild.
> > br.. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
> travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of
> them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
> initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around
> a corner.
> > bs.. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
should
> be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
standing
> by in case the answer is no.
> > bt.. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device
and
> begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using
my
> unstoppable superweapon on them.
> > bu.. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
> contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to
win.
> > bv.. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so
that
> my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label
> the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
> > bw.. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
> instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one
or
> two at a time.
> > bx.. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
> struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not
> engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a
> river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
> > by.. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
> the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough
> sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
before
> making the offer.
> > bz.. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken
alive!"
> The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
> practical."
> > ca.. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
> soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
> limited-edition commemorative coins.
> > cb.. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
> best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he
> gets closer and closer to my fortress.
> > cc.. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
> disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and
> drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to
> find out what he saw.
> > cd.. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
front
> of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
> > ce.. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet,
then
> have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both
of
> us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
> > cf.. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
> opposite sex.
> > cg.. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
> complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then
> activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be
> more along the lines of "Push the button."
> > ch.. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
properly
> grounded.
> > ci.. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
> Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
> > cj.. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not
berate
> them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
> > ck.. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
> disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the
> weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it
> from him.
> > cl.. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation
is
> facing away from the door.
> > cm.. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
> obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is
> finished. It might actually be important.
> > cn.. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
> Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight
on
> the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
months
> of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
> (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
> > co.. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
underling
> who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to
go
> first.
> > cp.. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop
and
> grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
> > cq.. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete
with
> bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the
> guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of
> opening up the cell for a look.
> > cr.. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
> panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the
> inside opens the door, not vice versa.
> > cs.. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
> reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
> > ct.. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
> monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
will
> ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against
their
> will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other
> except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others'
> lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
> order their execution.
> > cu.. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
> size.
> > cv.. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
> trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
>
>
>
> "Gentlemen, I give you today's fox!"
>
> Colonel Greyshanks Maguire, 7th Prydwn Regiment, speaking to his officers
before the Battle of Diresward.
>
> Visit www.thebteam.co.uk
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
Received on Tue Mar 27 2001 - 14:25:37 UTC