[Epic] OT Monty Python Spanish Inquisition
Here is the FULL MPFC Spanish Inquisition Sketch (From MP: All The Words):
Mix through to mill-owner's opulent sitting room at the turn of the
century. Lady Mountback sits with her crochet. There is a knock on the door.
Lady Mountback: Come in.
Enter Reg, cap in hand.
Reg: Trouble at mill.
Lady Mountback: Oh no. What sort of trouble?
Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Lady Mountback: Pardon?
Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Lady Mountback: I don't understand what you're saying.
Reg (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent): One of the
cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Lady Mountback: But what on earth does that mean?
Reg: I don't know. Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say there
was trouble at the mill, that's all. I didn't expect a kind of Spanish
Inquisition.
Jarring chord. The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters
flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his
forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang.
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Our chief weapon is
surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise...our two weapons are fear
and surprise...and ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons are fear and
surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the
Pope...Our four...no...amongst our weapons...amongst our weaponry are such
elements as fear, surprise...I'll come in again. (exit and exeunt)
Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Jarring chord. They burst in.
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Amonst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - oh, damn! (to Biggles)
I-I can't say it, you'll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'our chief weapons are...'
Biggles: I couldn't do that...
Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside.
Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
They all enter.
Biggles: Er...um...nobody...
Ximinez: Expects.
Biggles: Expects...Nobody expects the...er...um...Spanish...um...
Ximinex: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know...I know. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect...
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...er...er...
Ximinez: Surprise.
Biggles: Surprise and...
Ximinez: Stop! Stop there! Stop there. Whew! Our chief weapon is surprise,
blah, blah, blah, blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church. My old man said follow the...
Ximinez: That's enough! (to Lady Mountback) Now, how do you plead?
Lady Mountback: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Superimposed caption: 'Diabolical Laughter'
Ximinez: We'll soon change your mind about that!
Superimposed caption: 'Diabolical Acting'
Ximinez: Fear, surprise and a most ruthless... (controls himself with a
supreme effort) ooooh! Now cardinal, the rack!
Biggles produces a plastic-coated modern washing-up rack. Ximinez looks at
it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to
cover his anger.
Ximinez: You...right! Tie her down. (Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt
to tie her onto the rack) Right, how do you plead?
Lady Mountback: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack...oh dear...give the rack a turn.
Cardinal Biggles stands there awkwardly and shrugs.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I know. I know you can't. I didn't want to say
anything, I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I, um...?
Ximinez: Oh, go on, pretend for God's sake.
Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack.
(SKIP SIDE SKETCH WITH REG AND DIRTY ITEMS SELLER)
Man in Cap: I would tax holiday snaps.
Freeze frame. Cut to snapshot of same still which is being held by a dear
old lady. Pull out to reveal she is sitting with a large photo album on her
knees, lovingly extracting photos from the piles on top of the album and
passing them to her friend sitting on the same settee. Her friend is a young
lady, who tears up the photos as they are handed to her. The dear old lady is
in a world of her own and does not notice.
Dear Old Lady: This is Uncle Ted in front of the house (she hands over the
photo and the young lady tears it up). This is Uncle Ted at the back of the
house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is
Uncle Ted at the side of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young
lady tears it up) This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of the house, but
you can see the side of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young
lady tears it up) And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house,
but you can still see the front. (she hands over the photo and the young lady
tears it up) This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted coming round the
side to the front. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up)
And this is the SPanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed.
Friend takes it with the first sign of real interest.
Young Lady: Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Jarring chord. The door flies open and Ximinez, Biggles, and Fang enter.
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Cut to film: moving over Breugel drawings of tortures; epic film music.
Voice over and caption: 'In the early years of the sixteenth century, to
combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal
Ximinez of Spain leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the land,
in a reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film. This
was the Spanish Inquisition...'
Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. Shadows on the Grille. The
footsteps stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Ximinez walks
in and looks round approvingly. Fang and Biggles enter behind pushing in the
dear old lady. They chain her to the wall.
Ximinez: Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by
thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. Four counts. Do
you confess?
Dear Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we shall make you understand... Biggles! Fetch... the
cushions!
Jarring chord. Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions.
Biggles: Here you are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady, you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of
heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - two last chances. And you shall be
free... three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I
have divulged in my previous utterance.
Dear Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions! (Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture) Confess!
Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, my lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, Lord.
Ximinez: (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She's made of harder stuff!
Cardinal Fang- fetch... the comfy chair!
Another loud jarring chord. Zoom in on Fang's horrified face.
Fang: The comfy chair?
Fang pushes in the comfy chair- a really plush one.
Ximinez: Yes. So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles, put her in the comfy chair. (Biggles
roughly pushes her into the comfy chair) Now. You will stay in the comfy chair
until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at eleven... (to Biggles) Is that
really all it is?
Fang: Why yes lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot do we? Confess,
woman! Confess! Confess! Confess! COnfess!
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!
Animation Voice: I confess.
Ximinez: Who was that?
Animation: 'I confess'
(Skip sketch about Wuthering Heights in Semaphore, Julius Caesar on an Aldus
lamp, Gunfight at the OK Corral in Morse Code, and the smoke signal version of
Men Prefer Blondes, and judges threatening blackmail over their mistresses)
Judge Kilbraken: Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!
Court reacts expectantly. Cut to suburban house. The three members of the
Spanish Inquisition suddenly belt out of the door and down the path. Dick
Barton music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.
Ximinez: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.
Credits start superimposed.
Biggles: Look they've started the credits.
Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Biggles: Come on hurry. Hurry!
We see shots of them coming through London.
Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left. (more shots of the bus
going through London; the credits reach the producer) Hell, it's the producer.
Quick!
They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room. They burst
in.
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish... ('The End' appears) Oh bugger!
[A presentation provided by Shervin]
Received on Thu Mar 12 1998 - 17:49:06 UTC
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: Tue Oct 22 2019 - 13:10:28 UTC